Psychologists say loose, unscheduled hangs are crucial for our mental well-being, and have tips on how to best enjoy low-stakes (and low-cost) hangouts
Can you remember the last time you hung out with a friend without a fixed agenda or plan? I certainly can’t. With our social calendars filled with activities planned weeks in advance, it’s so rare to have time to meet up with friends and do nothing. Every activity feels like it has to be productive and purposeful for your time together to “matter,” but psychologists say loose, unscheduled hangs are crucial for our mental well-being.
According to psychotherapist Kamalyn Kaur, looser social interactions can strengthen relationships, fostering deeper connections and emotional openness, which are vital for building meaningful bonds.
Kaur says, “Casual meet-ups can significantly reduce stress and anxiety. Without the need to perform or meet expectations, individuals experience a sense of freedom and acceptance. Unstructured social time can also increase feelings of belonging and self-worth.”
Counsellor Georgina Sturmer believes unstructured hangouts offer the perfect antidote to our busy lives. “Spending time with people who make us laugh and feel comfortable, but without stress or agenda allows us to remove the masks we wear at work or in other social situations. They also reduce additional pressures, such as financial worries or the drive to find the perfect activity.”
Sturmer also thinks that less unstructured time with friends can contribute to feelings of loneliness, and technology is to blame. She explains, “We are more connected than ever, but these connections can feel less personal. Text-based messages can feel less free-flowing and spontaneous than real-time conversations. Digital communication also creates a barrier, a feeling that we must meet up ‘by appointment’ rather than just picking up the phone or knocking on someone’s front door.”
Sturmer also believes the decline in “third spaces” – places outside work and the home, like community centres, coffee shops and libraries – means fewer opportunities to hang out with or bump into our friends naturally.
When I scroll through Instagram, I’m reminded of nights out and significant events, but so many of my core memories with friends are not documented on social media, like attempting to build Ikea furniture together or having lengthy chats while walking the dog. These meetups may not have been Instagram-worthy, but they were much more authentic than those big nights out, where you can barely get a chance to chat.
Spending less time with friends feels like an inevitable part of getting older and having more responsibilities but there’s a danger that we could be sacrificing human connection because we simply don’t make time for it. While we all need time alone to recharge, spending time with friends can be just as emotionally nourishing.
NHS psychologist Emily Feeney says that fixed social plans can trigger anxiety and stress, which may explain why so many Gen Z and Millennials cite “self-care” as a reason to duck out of social events. She says, “With socialising, there’s often pressure to perform and to do something worthwhile. These fixed plans can make you anxious if you’re in a low-energy mood and don’t feel up to leaving the house. This can lead to cancelling or flaking, which often has nothing to do with your friends specifically but not having the energy to ‘perform’ socially.”
Feeney says that unscheduled time with friends is a powerful form of self-care, proven to improve mental health: “You may think of self-care as a solo act, but being with people you love and trust can be emotionally beneficial and stress-relieving, too. When you hang out with people you can be authentic and relax with, it helps calm the nervous system. Research has shown that adults with strong social connections have a lower risk of many health problems, including depression and high blood pressure.”
If you feel you’ve forgotten how to do nothing with your favourite people, the i has spoken to psychologists for tips on enjoying low-stakes (and low-cost) hangouts with friends.
Start small
Feeney thinks we often assume that everybody is already super busy, so we can’t just call for a chat or drop by for a coffee. If you feel nervous or awkward about suggesting just hanging out, Feeney suggests starting small. “Tell a friend you’ll drop by for 20 minutes or half an hour. One thing that freaks people out about hanging out is that it feels open-ended, and they don’t know how long it will take.”
Hanging out with friends shouldn’t feel forced or like ticking something off your to-do list. Feeney says the key is the quality, not the quantity, of catch-ups to create the connection, meaning, and intimacy so many of us crave.
Lower your expectations
There’s a sense that if you hang out with someone, you’re stealing time away from their calendar, which adds pressure to perform and make it good. As therapist Vic Paterson explains, letting go of expectations is a great place to start, “When you take the pressure off making a hangout perfect, your brain stops treating friendship like a performance review and something magical happens. That chat that was meant to be a quick cuppa but turned into a three-hour session? That’s your nervous system finally getting the memo that it’s safe to relax.”
If casual socialising makes you feel awkward, Kaur suggests staying curious and open-minded. “Ask open-ended questions or share light-hearted stories. Curiosity sparks engagement, and genuine interest can steer the hangout into fun, unexpected directions.”
Be present (and put your phone away)
If you live a hyper-scheduled life, shifting your focus to the present can be hard when hanging out with friends with no fixed agenda. Kaur advises, “Shift your mindset from ‘What should we do next?’ to appreciating the moment you are in. Pay attention to conversations, surroundings, or shared laughter, and let the interaction flow naturally.”
And if you truly want to appreciate the moment, put your phone away. Research shows that even having your phone in view during a conversation can make it less fulfilling and decrease perceived empathy, trust, and relationship quality. As Paterson says, “You can’t properly relax if you’ve got one eye on your notifications. Those quick work email checks are like inviting your boss to your friendship therapy session. Nobody needs that.”
Embrace the mundane
The pandemic stole a lot from us, but one of the important things it taught me was the value of “nothing” hangs because there was little else we could do. Those laps around the park with a close friend or movie nights on the couch strengthened friendship bonds for me, and I cherished those moments of mundanity during a scary time.
The joy of casual hangouts is they don’t have to be aesthetically pleasing. If you struggle to find time to hang out with a friend because they’re running errands, offer to go with them. You may have as much fun wandering around IKEA as getting dressed up and going out.
Paterson says if you struggle without an aim or agenda, “Having a loose plan like ‘come over while I sort my wardrobe’ works brilliantly because the activity gives natural conversation pauses. You’re not trying to squeeze meaning into a designated fun window, and if you run out of chat, you can just fold clothes for a bit!”
Paterson often sees clients constantly trying to optimise their social lives like they’re running a friendship business. But she says, “The best therapy often happens on someone’s sofa, talking rubbish and not watching whatever’s on TV. When we stop trying to make memories, we actually make them.”