There are a number of pervasive myths in the American culture of high achievement that can harm student mental health, said the keynote speaker at the third annual Mental Health and Wellness Symposium hosted by several Naperville-area school districts.
Doug Bolton, a licensed clinical psychologist and author with a background as a therapeutic school principal in Highland Park, spoke Saturday morning to kick off the event. He told a crowd of roughly 350 at Metea Valley High School in Aurora that the path to success may not be what people imagine.
Bolton spelled out an alternative way toward wellness that involves avoiding four key myths about achievement and valuing truths about relationships, mental engagement, human development and resilience instead.
Myth 1: The ‘Happiness Conspiracy’
In a culture that believes money can buy happiness, parents think they need to build their children’s list of achievements — beginning as early as preschool, Bolton said. The thinking is that an elite preschool, early enrichment activities, travel sports, advanced placement classes, and a highly selective college is the best path to a successful and satisfying life.
But that pressure-filled scenario is not the only way, Bolton told the crowd at Saturday’s symposium, which included educators, parents, students and community members from host district Indian Prairie 204 as well as Naperville 203, Aurora 129 and 131, Wheaton 200 and Oswego 308.
Research has debunked the idea that more money means more happiness. In fact, after an income of about $75,000, Bolton said, studies have shown happiness levels off.
Since it’s not boundless money that makes a good life, parents can lessen the pressure on their kids to excel at everything all the time.
“If we want our kids to be happy, we double down on relationships — not on achievement,” Bolton said.
Myth 2: Elite schools or bust
In the 1980s, U.S. News & World Report started ranking colleges. Schools and parents started listening. Since then, Bolton said, schools have become more selective by attracting more candidates simply to reject them, all in search of a better rank and prestige.
The truth is, it matters more how engaged a student is in college than whether he or she attends a top-notch school. Finding a mentor, pursuing internships, working on a long-term project and having professors who make coursework exciting are also research-backed predictors of learning more in college, Bolton said.
“You can go to Northern (Illinois University) or Northwestern (University), and you’re going to learn more if you study more, regardless of where you are,” he said. “Engagement is the key to success.”
Myth 3: Everyone develops at the same pace
Another problem of a high-achieving culture is schools pushing students to do more rigorous — and simply more — classwork at earlier ages.
“We’re asking kids to do in eighth grade now, what they used to do in eleventh grade,” Bolton said. And that adds stress.
Some students — especially those with birthdays in September or October, who are relatively older within their grade — can keep up. Others aren’t ready yet, by no fault of their own. And when the demands placed on students exceed their abilities, Bolton said, this gap causes stress.
“When we fight development, we lose,” he said. “When we try to push kids to achieve when they aren’t ready, we can do some real damage.”
Remembering every student’s development is unique can help parents and educators allow the time young brains need to grow.
Myth 4: The ‘Self-Esteem Generation’
In the 1990s, parents started trying to bolster kids’ self-esteem with what Bolton called “intensive parenting.”
Parents “overextend their time and money curating their child’s life in hopes of maximizing their potential,” he said, planning playdates, adding more activities and constantly supervising.
This creates overwhelm for parents and children, and Bolton said it prevents kids from experiencing — and learning from — manageable amounts of stress, worry, conflict, mistakes and boredom. While self-esteem can be a good thing, there’s an attribute that’s even better.
“Resilience is more important than self-esteem,” Bolton said. “Resilience is what’s essential for wellness.”
Parents can increase resilience by creating the conditions for kids to grow, Bolton said. This means providing love, safety, stability, presence, validation and consistent quality time — without trying to take away every discomfort.
Symposium champions positive mental health
Attendees at the Mental Health and Wellness Symposium attended breakout sessions for both students and parents, a book fair and a resource fair after Bolton’s speech.
Administrators said it was all in hopes of providing helpful information as a guide and support for positive mental health. More than 500 had registered to attend.
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