DEAR DEIDRE: MY husband’s struggle with sex addiction has torn our marriage apart, and I’m completely drained.
From escorts to workplace affairs, he can’t resist other women.
I’m 42 and he’s 45. We’ve been together for over a decade and have two young children.
Things began to unravel a few years ago when he started disappearing for hours, coming home late with vague excuses.
His phone became off-limits and he became irritable and defensive whenever I asked where he’d been or who he was speaking to.
At first, I thought the late nights and secretive behaviour were stress from work. But over time, it became undeniable something was amiss.
After months of gaslighting, I snapped and went snooping. I was heartbroken when I found secret apps and deleted messages.
Eventually, I learnt he’d been visiting escorts repeatedly, but when I confronted him, he denied everything, twisting the truth and blaming me for being paranoid.
I forced him to go to therapy, but he never fully committed and nothing really changed.
Recently, I caught him messaging and sexting a female colleague. The betrayal cut deeper than ever. I feel like I’m living with a stranger who hides a whole other life from me.
The lies and sneaking around have left me drained and anxious. I worry how it will affect our kids and question if I can keep going like this.
Part of me still wants to believe he can get better and that we can rebuild what’s been broken.
But I don’t know how to protect myself emotionally when every step forward comes with two back.
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DEIDRE SAYS: Living with a partner struggling with sex addiction is painful and confusing, especially when denial and secrecy are involved.
Addiction is a complex issue that often requires professional help, but change can only happen if your husband truly commits to recovery.
Therapy is a positive step, but as it hasn’t worked so far, consider exploring specialist addiction counselling.
Read my support packs, Addicted To Sex and Can’t Be Faithful, which offer practical advice and resources.
If your husband won’t commit to positive change, then you do need to look to your own future – for the wellbeing of you and your children.
Please consider counselling for yourself to help you take that next step. See tavistockrelationships.org.
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Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays.
I ONLY SEEM TO ATTRACT HURTFUL PEOPLE
DEAR DEIDRE: EVERY time I trust someone, they end up hurting me – and I’m starting to think it’s my fault.
I’m a 39-year-old woman and finally got out of a controlling, abusive marriage last year. It took everything I had to leave.
I hoped things would get better, but the patterns keep repeating. One of my oldest friends was constantly putting me down – mocking me, belittling me, even shouting at me when I didn’t agree with her.
After years of trying to keep the peace, I finally cut ties.
Then just weeks ago, a man I’d started to trust turned on me – physically and emotionally. I feel sick and ashamed.
I’ve worked so hard to heal, but it’s like I keep getting dragged back to the same dark place. Why do I keep attracting people who hurt me? And why do I always feel like I’m the one to blame?
DEIDRE SAYS: None of this is your fault. People who’ve experienced abuse often develop deep empathy and a desire to keep the peace – qualities that can attract those who take advantage.
It’s a strength that you’ve walked away from toxic relationships. That shows growth, not failure.
But healing takes time, and you’ll need space to process what’s happened and understand the patterns.
Read my support pack, How Counselling Can Help. You can also approach Women’s Aid (womensaid.org.uk) for support.
SPOTTED WIFE OUT DRESSED AS A MAN
DEAR DEIDRE: AFTER more than a decade together, I thought I knew my wife inside out, but then I saw a side that stunned me.
I’m 46, she’s 43, and we’ve been married for 12 years.
Things have always been good between us. We laugh a lot, have a decent sex life and she’s never given me a reason to doubt her.
But last weekend, I had to pop back home unexpectedly and drove through town, where I spotted someone who looked just like her.
She was dressed as a man – short wig, men’s clothes, and shoes – and chatting to people outside a bar. I pulled over and could see it was definitely her.
When I asked her about it later, she denied it. Then she broke down and said it’s something she’s been doing secretly for years.
I don’t know how to feel. Has our marriage been a lie?
DEIDRE SAYS: Finding out your partner has a hidden side can be deeply unsettling. It’s natural to feel confused, hurt or even betrayed as you try to process it.
But remember, your wife’s cross-dressing doesn’t erase the life you’ve built together or the love you’ve shared.
Honest communication is essential to understand her feelings and what this means for your marriage.
My pack, Cross-Dressing Support, offers further guidance. Joint counselling might also help you rebuild trust and find a way forward.
FAMILY IGNORE ME SINCE MOVE
DEAR DEIDRE: MY family has completely mugged me off – like I only matter when they want something from me.
I’m a 36-year-old man and moved to Canada two years ago for work. I knew the distance and time difference might make it harder to keep in touch, but I didn’t expect radio silence.
I sent messages, updates and birthday wishes – all mostly ignored. I told myself they were busy, that life just got in the way.
But then I had a bad fall last year that left me bedbound for months. I was in pain, struggling to manage day to day, and sinking financially.
I reached out and asked if one of them could come over, even just for a week, or help me cover basic costs. Nothing. Not even a proper phone call.
Now I’m back on my feet, and I’ve just found out they all went on a big family holiday without me. No invite, no mention.
To top it off, my brother has messaged me asking me to put £300 towards a surprise anniversary gift for our parents from “all of us”. I feel angry, hurt and used. Why should I be generous when they weren’t there when I needed them most?
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s no wonder you feel taken for granted. When you were at your most vulnerable, your family left you to struggle alone, and now they act like nothing happened.
It’s natural to want closeness and support, especially from those we love, but sometimes we have to set firm boundaries to protect ourselves emotionally. Saying no doesn’t make you selfish; it makes you self-respecting.
Try to express how their absence made you feel and that things can’t go back to normal without honest conversation.
Look at my support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, and talk to Family Action (family-action.org.uk) for emotional support.