Dear Jana,
I’ve always prided myself on being a chilled wife. The one who doesn’t snoop through phones, doesn’t freak out over him going out with his friends, and trusts my husband to do his thing without breathing down his neck.
But after what I found out last weekend, I don’t think I can ignore it anymore.
My husband has always been big on his ‘boys’ nights’. Alcohol, poker, even the occasional strip club visit – whatever.
I figured as long as he came home to me and wasn’t hiding anything, it wasn’t a big deal.
But last weekend, one of his mates let something slip after a few too many beers.
He made a joke about how my husband had a ‘special friend’ at one of these clubs. Someone he always gets a private dance from.
Apparently, he even has her on Instagram, liking all her posts, including the ones that leave very little to the imagination.
A worried wife asks Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking for advice on what her husband gets up to on his boys’ nights out
When I confronted my husband, he laughed it off, saying it’s ‘just a dance’ and ‘not a big deal’. Even even said ‘all men do it’! But now I can’t stop thinking about it.
If it’s really nothing, why did he never mention it? Why is he keeping up with her online? And why do I suddenly feel like the idiot who’s been way too trusting?
I don’t want to be paranoid, but I also don’t want to be played for a fool. Am I overreacting, or is this a major red flag?
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Umm… I don’t know how to say this properly, so I’ll just be blunt: your husband is kind of a creep. Not to mention playing with fire.
I feel sorry for the woman at the strip club who probably rolls her eyes every time he walks in, knowing he’s about to salivate over her in real life – just like he clearly does on her socials. Get that money, honey.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I have no issue with blokes going to strip clubs. Heck, after a few martinis, I’ve found myself there as well.
One woman found out her husband has a ‘special friend’ at the strip club he visits regularly (stock image posed by models)
But consistently going to the same one and following one particular dancer on Instagram, well that all adds up to one thing – he has a crush on her. Too far.
He never mentioned it to you because he knows his actions are desperate and sad, and he didn’t want you to find out.
And the fact that he’s passing it off as ‘no big deal’ just shows how little respect he has for you.
The whole ‘following her online thing’ proves it’s not just a casual night out with the boys. That’s investment.
And come on, the only reason a bloke follows a stripper on Instagram is if he’s hoping she’ll move her (paid) flirting into a real-life dalliance.
Oh, men… they really are so delusional.
So, no, you’re not overreacting. Your gut is picking up on something, and I’d trust that.
At the very least, your husband is far too invested in someone he’s supposed to be paying and leaving behind at the club.
So the real question is – are you going to stick around while he acts like a stripper’s No. 1 fan? I say embrace the ick, because that’s exactly what he is – a walking, talking, drooling ick.
Time to move on.
Dear Jana,
My boyfriend left his phone open on the couch, and the screen lit up with a notification from his group chat.
I wasn’t even planning to snoop, just a quick glance to see what they were talking about. And that’s when I saw my name.
Curiosity got the best of me, and I tapped in. What I read made my stomach drop.
It wasn’t just one offhanded comment, it was pages of them. Jokes about my weight. About how I ‘finally let him out of the house’ when he goes out with them. About how I’m ‘so chill compared to his ex’ (which, apparently, is code for ‘easy to manipulate’.)
They made fun of the way I dress, the way I laugh, even the way I post on Instagram.
And the worst part? My boyfriend was laughing along with them.
Not once did he defend me. Not once did he shut it down. If anything, he was leading the conversation.
A woman told Jana she felt ‘physically sick’ after reading her boyfriend’s group chat, in which his friends made fun of her – and he didn’t defend her (stock image posed by models)
I felt physically sick. This is the man who tells me I’m beautiful, who acts like he adores me, who kisses me goodnight and says he’s lucky to have me. And yet, when he’s with his mates, I’m just another joke.
I don’t know what to do. Do I confront him? Do I pretend I never saw it and try to move on? Or is this a sign that he’s not the person I thought he was? Because honestly, I don’t think I can ever look at him or his friends the same way again.
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
I can answer this question in two words: Dump him.
But obviously, I’ve got plenty of other thoughts on the matter.
What he’s doing isn’t just locker-room banter. Trust me, I’ve worked with blokes for years and have been privy to their chats. They never talk about their wives like that.
Sure, I’ve heard them talk about flings like that, but never someone they loved. That’s humiliating.
And the fact that he wasn’t just letting it slide but actually leading the conversation, well, that’s not the makings of a real man.
I mean, you certainly wouldn’t see Rip talking about Beth like that. Yellowstone, anyone? (I’ve really got to move on from that series).
A partner who truly respects you will never let their friends speak about you like that, let alone join in. What a dick.
What fired me up most about your question was the fact that he showers you with sweet words, then turns you into a punchline. That’s not love – it’s cowardice.
It’s time to muster up every ounce of self-respect you have and remember your worth – because I can imagine it’s taken a beating.
But those texts say more about him than they ever will about you.
So yes, confront him if you need closure. But don’t waste your energy trying to ‘fix’ this. Don’t convince yourself he ‘didn’t really mean it’ (he did) or that ‘boys will be boys’ (no, they should be held accountable).
The second you saw those messages, you learned everything you needed to know. And if you stay with him, you’ll be second-guessing the true meaning behind everything he says for the rest of your days.
So the next time he texts those mates of his, you want them to be saying, ‘Wow, she actually left him.’
That’s the kind of plot twist this story deserves. Dump him and don’t look back.
Dear Jana,
I don’t know if I’m overreacting, but I feel like my husband keeps subtly fat-shaming me and it’s really starting to mess with my head.
I had a baby last year, and while I’ve lost most of the weight, I’m still carrying a few extra kilos. It’s been a struggle, but between working, parenting and trying to get some sleep, bouncing back to my pre-baby body hasn’t exactly been my top priority.
My husband, however, seems to think it should be.
He never says anything outright cruel, but it’s the little comments like ‘are you really having dessert?’ or ‘we should start going to the gym together’ – that are bothering me. (He hasn’t stepped on a treadmill in years, by the way!)
He also rarely initiates sex anymore, and when I tried the other night, for a moment he actually looked disgusted. I feel like he might be repulsed by me.
Maybe I’m paranoid, but it’s hard not to connect the dots.
Jana offers advice to a new mother who worries she is being subtly ‘fat-shamed’ by her husband (stock image posed by model)
I feel deeply unattractive and, honestly, unlovable.
I know my body has been through a lot, and I should be kinder to myself, but his behaviour is making it impossible.
Am I imagining things, or is he telling me exactly how he feels without saying it outright? And more importantly, what do I do about it?
Feeling Unwanted.
Dear feeling unwanted,
First of all, let’s get one thing straight: You grew a human. Inside your body. And then you brought that tiny human into the world and have been keeping it alive ever since.
That’s superhero-level stuff. Meanwhile, your husband thinks he’s got the right to make offhanded comments about your body? The same body that did all of that? The audacity.
Let’s talk about those snide little remarks. ‘Are you really having dessert?’ Oh, I don’t know, Greg, are you really going to keep embarrassing yourself like this?
‘We should start going to the gym together’? Cute suggestion from a man who probably considers getting off the couch a leg day.
And don’t even get me started on the fact he’s looking disgusted at the thought of sleeping with you. That is the biggest red flag of all.
Here’s the thing: Attraction isn’t just about what your body looks like – it’s about connection, admiration and respect. Right now, he’s giving you none of the above.
So, what do you do? You stop wondering if you’re imagining things (you’re not) and you start demanding better. Have the conversation. Call him out. Ask him point-blank if there’s something he’s not saying. We hate passive s***.
I would say, ‘Your comments about my body are hurtful. Are you actually struggling with attraction, or do you just not know how to communicate with me properly?’
Attraction in long-term relationships isn’t about shaming – it’s about rekindling. That means bringing back flirting, effort and emotional connection.
If he truly loves you, he’ll put in the work to make you feel wanted again, instead of making you feel like a self-improvement project.
But if he won’t? Then the best thing you can lose isn’t those last few kilos – it’s him.
You are a powerhouse, a goddess and a woman who has done something miraculous – and if he can’t see that, then it’s his loss.
But don’t you dare let his small-minded comments make you forget just how damn fabulous you are.