Our old pal Bridget Jones returns to the big screen this week, with the film following dear Bridge as she navigates a new world of dating after the death of her husband, Mark Darcy (tissues at the ready).
Anyone who has lost their partner will know that dating again can cause a series of complicated emotions, as therapist Dee Johnson explains: “We never get over losing someone we love but we learn to live without them and that can, in time, help you realise you may have some emotional and physical capacity for someone else.”
Dee explains that contemplating a new relationship can evoke feelings of deep shame, guilt and even fear – and this is a common feeling. “The fear of being disloyal to your deceased partner can genuinely feel that you are cheating on them. There’s also the fear of other people’s criticism and rejection from friends and family if you do move on,” she laments.
© Photo Credit: Jay Maidment/UniveFellow BACP registered relationship therapist and coach, Susie Masterson adds that guilt is a common but natural emotion following the death of a loved one, as is a reluctance to move on. “For those left behind, life becomes a series of ‘firsts’ without their partner.”
Another hurdle to falling in love after loss is the complicated feeling of loving two people at once. “It can be helpful to notice that love for the person who has died does not get any less if you find yourself loving someone new,” says BACP accredited grief therapist, Sara Mathews. “The new person’s love comes from a different time and a different part of you,” Sara adds.
Is there ever a right time to find love again?
BACP-accredited grief therapist Lulu Sinclair says there is never a “right” time to move on, but you will know when it’s right because you will feel it.
© Getty“You will wake up one day and the load will be that little bit lighter. You will notice things that have a blur all through your grieving process and you will begin to get perhaps a momentary sense of delight or pleasure from what is around you. You are likely to continue to feel sad for some time to come, but it will not be as deep as it once was.”
Susie agrees, adding: “The best thing about making a decision is that if we don’t like the consequences, we can always make another one. After all, life is an experiment. There is no right and wrong. No failure, just learning. I always say to my clients that the best decisions we make are the ones that we make for ourselves,”
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If you feel you are ready, read these therapist-approved tips on finding love after loss.
1. Take your time
“If you’ve lost someone you dearly loved, you’ll have a big gap in your life. Many of us long to regain that intimacy and closeness but I’d suggest that might be a mistake,” shares Lulu Sinclair, a BACP accredited grief therapist.
Lulu says that although it’s tempting to try to fill that gap you need time to grief, to reflect, to remember and to feel. “It will of course depend on how your beloved died – whether it was sudden or not,” she explains.
© Getty2. Consider what you need
Dee says it’s important to be clear about your motivation to start dating again. “Ask yourself what it is you need right now. Is it a companion, intimacy, just someone for sex and fun but no conscious intention of an emotional relationship developing, or are you ready and would really like love back in your life as a new chapter but never a replacement?”
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3. Ensure you’re in a strong frame of mind
Although Lulu says it’s important not to rush into a new relationship, it’s also important to be open and receptive to the idea.
“If you rush, you’re likely to choose someone for the wrong reasons – then you’ll have trickier moments when you need to untangle yourself. You need to be in a strong frame of mind to make a wise choice but, also if it turns out that it’s not as you’d first thought, you need to be strong enough to change your mind,” advises Lulu.
© Getty4. Say yes to invitations and opportunities
Sara suggests that not only will this widen your social circle and increase your chances of meeting someone new, it will also help you to become accustomed to socialising and doing things that feel unfamiliar.
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5. Show yourself, and others, empathy
“If someone is being judgmental and unkind to you about your choice to find love again, try to offer them tolerance and understanding. It is one of the strange ironies of bereavement that those most effected often end up helping other people to manage their feelings as well having to manage their own,” shares Sara.
6. You don’t need to tell everybody everything
“If you find yourself in a new relationship Sara says it’s important to maintain privacy and see how things go before announcing your new status to the world.
© Getty“It is useful to remember that your timescale for change is likely to be different from anyone else’s,” she says.
7. Find someone who will honour your former partner
Dee says it’s important to ensure you find someone who will not dismiss your deceased partner. “Find someone who wants to know about them, acknowledge them and honour them,” shares Dee.
8. Don’t compare
It’s unfair to your new dating partner to make comparisons to your lost love – and may be a sign that perhaps you are not as ready as you thought you were. “Finding new love after loss should be about exactly that – finding new love, not a replacement,” says Dee.
READ: What are limiting beliefs and why are they stopping you from feeling happy?
9. Talk about your loss
Talking through your honest turmoil of emotions can help you come to terms with what you need.
“If you’re feeling raw, remember that this will change – don’t pressure yourself to have to make and heavy permanent decisions if you don’t feel ready,” assures Dee.
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To find a registered therapist who can support you visit BACP’s therapist directory at www.bacp.co.uk