A woman has received an outpouring of support online after revealing that her husband wants his mother to move in with them – but they don’t agree on the issue.
The anonymous mother-of-two took to UK parenting website Mumsnet to share her dilemma and ask people for their thoughts on her situation.
In her post, she revealed that she and her husband want to move into a larger home with their children.
She reported that some of the homes at the very top end of their budget have very large gardens – with enough space to build a granny annexe on the land.
As her mother-in-law lives nearby, she said her husband is ‘pushing for MIL (mother-in-law) to live in the granny annexe so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us’.
This has caused some arguments between the two, she admitted, as she does not want her husband’s mother so close by.
In addition, she added that she feels that if they need the additional income from the mother-in-law, then perhaps they should consider these properties out of their price range.
Commentators largely supported the poster, revealing that they too would not want to live with their partner’s – or even their own – mother.
A mother-of-two has revealed that her husband wants his mother to move house with them – but she does not think it’s a good idea (stock picture)
Her full post read: ‘DH and I are looking to move into a larger home for our family (2 children). MIL lives nearby.
‘Some of the houses we’ve been looking at (at the top end of our budget) have very large gardens (.25-.75 acre).
‘A couple with small buildings that could be converted into (or have enough space to build) a 1 bed granny annexe at the end of the garden. DH is pushing for MIL to live in the granny annexe so she can help cover the cost of the mortgage and make it more affordable for us.
‘I’m not at all in favour of this idea. I’ve said if we can’t afford the mortgage without her living on the property and contributing we shouldn’t be considering it. DH says although we could afford it, her contribution would make it more manageable (obviously!).
I’m worried that MIL will constantly be in our home or need DH to come to hers to help with something so we won’t have much privacy.
‘The homes we’re looking at have large windows or bifold doors at the back so MIL would be able to see if we’re in the room, have the lights on or off (so when we’re home or not), etc. DH insists she’d want to be independent in her place. Except her post and groceries would be delivered to our home.
‘She’d be parking in our drive and then have to walk down the side of our house and through the garden to get to hers.
‘AIBU (Am I Being Unreasonable) that I don’t want MIL living on our property? Is there anyone with in-laws or their own parents that live on their property in a similar set up?’
The anonymous user’s Mumsnet post (pictured) laid out the dilemma, and why they are unsure that it is a good idea
The majority of commentators appeared to think the suggestion was a bad idea – with one even suggesting the husband is a ‘mummy’s boy’
One forum user simply wrote: ‘Hell no! It’s a recipe for disaster.’
Meanwhile, another said: ‘No way! I’ve seen this happen on other forums and the wife ends up becoming the default carer as the elderly mil ages. Just no. You’d have no privacy. Will your Dh listen to you?’
Another shared another potential problem, writing: ‘No, absolutely not. If she lives not far away, she can stay where she is and your DH can visit her there.
‘What happens if she goes into care and ‘her’ home needs to be sold to fund care. You could find yourselves being forced to sell your house.
‘And yes, I’d worry about her being a constant presence and leaving you with no privacy. There is no way I would agree to the arrangement. For me it would be a deal breaker.’
One criticised the husband, questioning whether he is a ‘mummy’s boy’.
They wrote: ‘Couldn’t pay me to live in that situation. Literally, even if MiL was covering the whole mortgage. Wouldn’t have had my own mother either (but she wasn’t a good person so that’s its own thing). There has to be boundaries, this is the opposite of that. Is your husband a ‘mummy’s boy’ in general? Or is he expecting you to look after her in her later years? That would also be a hard no from me.’
In a similar vein, another added: ‘Sounds like he needs to cut the apron strings. He’s not married to his mother.’
Not everyone thought the idea was a bad one – some suggested that under the right conditions, it could work out well
Some commentators offered slightly more optimistic views, but noted there should be caveats should they all move in together.
One person wrote: ‘I think it definitely depends on your relationship with MIL. My best friends grandma had a very similar set up living in fully built separate house / annexe in their garden.
‘They definitely don’t have acres of land but it had a bathroom and bedroom fully heated etc and it worked quite well – she was relatively young and very independent – didn’t do dinner with them nightly but did see regularly. I don’t know of any issues and I always forgot she lived there as she was rarely there.’
Another said it could work under certain conditions: ‘MIL lives with us, but that happened after she came to stay during lockdown and it worked very well.
‘She has her own space – a good size bedroom, a bedroom she uses as a lounge (she has a little fridge and a microwave for if she can’t be bothered with seeing any of the rest of us) and a bathroom.
‘If you have any doubts then don’t do it. It only works if absolutely everyone is 100% on board.’
And one even suggested it could be a good idea, writing: ‘Sorry to say this as I feel I’m an outlier here. I had MIL come and live with us and I looked after her for 18 months before she needed more care than I could give and she went into a nursing home. We became really close, it was a privilege, she was a wonderful lady. MIL has passed now I often think back to that time we spent together.’