In this new series, The i Paper speaks to different people about how they and their partners, or in some cases, ex-partners, handle money in their relationship
In this series we speak to different people from different walks of life about how they and their partners, or in some cases, ex-partners, handle finances – and the problems that arise. Jo*, who inherited a large sum from their family, has been left trying to understand how money became the focal point of a previous relationship.
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I grew up comfortable but not spoiled. But just before I met my ex-girlfriend an unexpected turn of events in my family caused me to come into a large sum of money. Let’s just say it was enough money that work is now an option, as opposed to a necessary obligation.
My (new) girlfriend at the time had previously had bad experiences with wealthy and upper class people. She spoke about them very negatively: what they wore, what they said, what they did. She used the term “posh” pejoratively and expressed that rich people were wasteful and lazy. Often I agreed with her, but perhaps naively didn’t realise that she also included me under that heading.
When we started dating, I told her what I told other partners in the past, which is that if everyone is comfortable with it, from time to time, I might try to use my money to make something easier, faster or more comfortable. For example, I’ll cover a trip to a restaurant, as long as everyone wants to go and is comfortable with that.
Having experienced toxic relationships with money and love in my childhood, I was very conscious not to use money to try and get my own way, therefore consistently checked in that everyone was happy with me covering certain things for the sake of ease. But my girlfriend liked to be treated so it didn’t take much convincing.
We’d go out to nice restaurants and at first, we were both fine with me picking up the tab. But after a short while, this changed and she would make me feel bad about it, complaining that I didn’t cook enough. So – ahead of a night out – instead of just saying she didn’t want to go, she would reproach me for my laziness and inability to cook. She also started being vulgar and bragging about my money to others.
This expanded into other areas, critiquing my lifestyle choices, claiming I was frivolous and wasteful with my own money. I don’t overspend much and when I work, I work hard. Frequently people presume I’m so wealthy that I’m out of touch, that I don’t even know how to take the tube, for example. It doesn’t often bother me as mostly comments are made in a good nature, but my girlfriend’s were not.
I can see here that there were so many red flags I should have known better than to proceed with the relationship. However, I had my own shame and believed that I was overprivileged, and had inherited this money randomly – there was nothing I’d done to earn it – so against the advice of all my loved ones and friends she moved in with me.
She wanted to pay her way and paid half of the bills as rent each month. But the problems didn’t stop. She became more angry and controlling and every time I disagreed with her, or defended financial decisions that were nothing to do with her, she would explain that her working-class background gave her a right to be angry. She would use that position to deny me any defence because I was “posh” and “spoiled”.
She’d say “I don’t want to be with someone like that” and even stated plainly that if we didn’t do what she wanted, she would leave, which ended up happening many times.
Rightly or wrongly I kept giving her large cash gifts north of £50k and more than £100k in loans, because I thought it would make her happy. She was unhappy about her own work situation – and she took it out on me. I was hoping these gifts would make her less stressed (and if I offered practical or emotional advice she would reject it claiming that what I had to say was useless because I would never understand her point of view).
I’d like to add that these gifts were totally unconditional and I was clear about that. Truthfully, I did it selfishly, hoping that if I bridged our division of wealth a little, she would perhaps stop being so aggressive towards me. But it didn’t seem to make her feel better or less stressed, it seemed to make her hate me more.
She would say I was just another rich person now, trying to pay a problem away. An inheritance that I hoped could make life easier just seemed to make it harder.
Inevitably we broke up not so very long after moving in together. Every step of the breakup she claimed that I was “disposing” of her carelessly with the aforementioned wastefulness of the rich. When in actual fact it was because she was treating me appallingly, and my friends and family were worried.
She refused to leave my place because she had nowhere to go. I made arrangements to stay elsewhere (although my friends said it was insane to not just chuck her out, it didn’t seem fair as I could afford to relocate). If I was less wealthy and in such an abusive relationship, I would have been in trouble.
It’s pretty unclear to me whether all our problems were because of the wealth divide or a much deeper issue. But ultimately, I have come to see, that what transpired was abusive and it made the relationship impossible to continue.
*Name has been changed