I stumbled across my wife’s Pornhub search history and it’s broken me. She told me it’s ‘just a fantasy lots of women have’ but now I fear I’ll never be enough: SAUCY SECRETS

I stumbled across my wife’s Pornhub search history and it’s broken me. She told me it’s ‘just a fantasy lots of women have’ but now I fear I’ll never be enough: SAUCY SECRETS

Dear Jana,

I’m beginning to feel a little… unhinged. I’m a happily (I think?) married woman with two children, but the other night I had an extremely vivid sex dream about my ex.

We always had good chemistry, and those closest to me know that I always say he’s the best I’ve ever had, so it’s left me a little disappointed with how my future sex life has panned out. 

It’s fine with my husband, but not the fireworks like I had with my ex. Now, I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s like the dream unlocked something in my brain I’d tried to bury for the sake of a happy marriage.

I found myself deep-diving his Instagram to see if he’s married (he’s on private) and I even drove by his house. It’s like I’m on a mission to see if he’s available, even though I’m obviously not.

I love my husband, and I don’t actually want to be with my ex, but I’ve got this niggling feeling that if an opportunity came up to sleep with him again, I would take it in a heartbeat.

Why am I suddenly obsessed? And how do I snap out of it before I do something truly regrettable, like reach out to him? Help this horny housewife out.

Anonymous.

I stumbled across my wife’s Pornhub search history and it’s broken me. She told me it’s ‘just a fantasy lots of women have’ but now I fear I’ll never be enough: SAUCY SECRETS

This week, Mail+ columnist Jana Hocking helps out a man who spied his wife’s Pornhub history and now fears he’ll never be enough

Okay, Miss Anonymous.

We all like to take a horny walk down memory lane from time to time. And sure, the heart quickens at the thought of running into an ex on a particularly good hair day.

Come to think of it, there’s one ex in particular my mind likes to turn to on a quiet night alone. But we’ve got to slam the brakes somewhere.

Where’s the line? It’s not at Instagram stalking; we all do that. But I must say, driving past his house is beginning to sound like a red flag flapping in the wind.

Maybe you do it once? Fine. You can chalk it up to ‘oh, it was on my way anyway’. But if you’re doing it more than that, well… I’m hearing sirens. Police ones.

What you’ve got here is a classic case of Nostalgia Horn. You know, when your brain conveniently edits out all the boring bits, the times he finished in two pumps or couldn’t get it up, the blazing rows, and instead leaves you will nothing but your ex’s Greatest Hits album. Which, in your case, is a highlight reel of his bedroom triumphs.

Sure, sex with your husband might feel a little routine, and the chaos of raising kids isn’t exactly great for the libido. But that’s a marriage. I can’t relate personally, but I have plenty of friends who assure me married life isn’t all glitz and glamour.

Yes, hot sex with someone who knows what they’re doing is fun. But also remember the times when they didn’t text back, or when you understood they were emotionally unavailable, or when they did that thing that made you realise ‘this isn’t my person’.

Jana Hocking explains that women are curious creatures by habit when it comes to what they look at online

Jana Hocking explains that women are curious creatures by habit when it comes to what they look at online

If your memory wants to play the highlights, just take a moment and remember the full game. You’ll realise that it ended for a reason. Suddenly, your ‘dull’ married-with-kids life looks pretty damn good by comparison, doesn’t it?

The good news is, you don’t need to go back to your ex to get that earth-shattering orgasm. You just need to shake things up.

Pack the kids off to their grandparents or a friend’s house. Book a hotel (a fancy one your younger self couldn’t afford), buy some sexy lingerie, take yourselves out for dinner, get a little tipsy and then get it on like Donkey Kong. 

Tell him you want it to be a weekend of trying new things. Explore each other. One weekend is all it could take for you to give your life the sexy jumpstart it needs – and you can’t tell me your husband won’t be chuffed to take part either.

Spend a little time reliving your youth, while also remembering the blessings you’ve got waiting for you at home, and before you know it, you’ll be wondering… what ex?

Actually, also make a list of the reasons why you broke up. It’s always handy to have it on hand when the mind takes you to a place best left in the past.

Go get yourself a saucy weekend. You deserve it.

Dear Jana,

Last year, I met a professional footballer when his team was in my hometown for a game. I knew he had a partner and child, so I asked about them, and he told me his relationship was over and she’d left him a few weeks earlier.

I didn’t overthink it, and we had an amazing one-night stand.

Now, out of nowhere, he’s found me on Instagram and started messaging me again. But I can see his partner is still clearly in the picture. 

He keeps sliding into my DMs and dropping hints we should ‘catch up’ like last time.

I know technically he’s the one in a relationship, not me, so I guess I’m asking if I’m in the wrong for considering it? 

Am I morally obligated to do the right thing, even though I’m single. The sex was amazing and I would love to catch up for some fun, and I have no plans on telling anyone so no one would get hurt. But I can’t help wondering if karma would come back and bite me.

Be honest, what would you do?

Anonymous.

A woman tells Jana she can't stop having sexual fantasies about her ex, despite being happily married (stock image posed by model)

A woman tells Jana she can’t stop having sexual fantasies about her ex, despite being happily married (stock image posed by model)

Girl…

I’m honestly wondering if it is the same guy sliding into my DMs. He doesn’t happen to hail from ‘up north’ does he?

That aside, I’m going to give you my honest opinion. No, it’s not your responsibility to keep him on the straight and narrow… but you are playing with fire. 

Because, as the long line of heartbroken women (and WAGs) who came before you will say, these footballers really know how to charm – with their big muscles, cheeky locker-room banter, and just the right amount of sweet talk. 

There’s a very real chance you could catch the ‘feels’. And trust me, once that happens, you’ll be left staring at his Instagram, wondering why he’s posting date night photos with his ‘ex’. I’ve seen it play out like this far too many times.

This man has proven he can’t be trusted, so believe him. And listen when I say this: you are one of many girls whose DMs he’s sliding into.

If he’s got no loyalty to the mother of his child, he’s sure as hell not about to start treating you like a queen. Swipe left on this one.

Dear Jana,

This is a bit awkward, but here goes. 

I was using my wife’s phone the other day, and when I went to type something in her browser beginning with ‘P’, you guessed it, Pornhub popped up.

No big deal – we both watch porn from time to time when we’re alone and have agreed it’s not an issue in our relationship.

But then I noticed the types of videos she has been watching. ‘Big d***s’, ‘huge d***s’, ‘BBC’, ‘BWC’ (google it)… and the worst of all, ‘Wife cheats with big d***’.

At first, I made a joke about it, thinking she’d laugh it off as mere curiosity.

Then she told me it’s ‘a fantasy all women have’ but that I shouldn’t worry about it ‘because it’s just porn’.

Now I can’t stop thinking about it, and it’s shattered my confidence. I know I’m on the right side of average down there, but I am absolutely not ‘huge’.

I’ve never once worried about my size but now I fear I’ll never be enough for her.

Please help. Is this really a type of thing women just watch in the same way men watch porn videos of women with bigger boobs than their wives? 

Right now, I have no clue how to feel about this, but it’s got me questioning a lot of things. My deepest fear is she feels like she’s missing out somehow.

Johnny.

Dear Johnny,

I think I speak on behalf of most women when I say… we couldn’t give a hoot about a big, swinging d***. In fact, I would go so far as saying we don’t want one. 

My second boyfriend had an obnoxiously large one and I had to do breathing exercises before I could even contemplate having sex with him. Seriously, it was that big. Once we got going, it was usually fine. But the lead-up… oooft. Uncomfy.

So I honestly wouldn’t read too much into it. Perhaps she was just curious and trying to play off her embarrassment by saying everyone does it. 

I know I’ve landed on certain ‘categories’ on Pornhub just for a cheeky look – not because it turned me on. (Most of them left me horrified, actually. You men are a strange bunch).

We’re just curious creatures by habit. And listen, just because I enjoy watching Clarkson’s Farm doesn’t mean I want to bang Jeremy Clarkson.

What I would be focusing on is how to use what you got. You say you’re all good down there – which is great – but even if you were on the smaller side, as I’ve said time and time again: it’s not how big it is, it’s how you use it. 

Personally, I’ve had a wonderful experience with a man with a small pecker. What he could do with his tongue, hands and dirty talk… Good lord. That’s what kept me going back.

So while she’s doing her ‘research’ on what a big ol’ fella looks like, why don’t you spend your time researching what gets women off.

There are thousands of YouTube videos dedicated to that very topic.

So pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and tell your pecker that he’s perfectly capable of wonderful things. You’ve just got to figure out how.

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