Dear Jana,
A week before our wedding, my fiancée had her hens’ party.
No big deal, I expected some drinks, a few cheeky games, maybe a stripper for laughs.
What I didn’t expect was to find out the stripper had ended up completely naked, and at some point he was in the hot tub with my fiancée and her friends.
Some of whom, I should add, are also in committed relationships with my mates.
I’m incandescent. My wife-to-be insists it was all in good fun, just a wild night out with the girls, and that nothing serious happened. Her friends say this stuff happens all the time at hens’ parties and they’re surprised by my reaction.
But I can’t shake the mental image of the love of my life in a hot tub with a naked man. Surely that’s a red flag I shouldn’t ignore? I fear I’m making a massive mistake and am even considering calling off the wedding.
Patrick.
In this week’s Saucy Secrets, Jana helps a man who is worried about his fiancée’s hens’ party
Dear Patrick,
Oh, please. So your fiancée saw the stripper’s willy, and at some point, the bloke got comfy in the hot tub? Big whoop. You’re spiralling, my friend. But I think I know why…
You’ve seen what goes on at bucks parties and have assumed we women are just as guilty of getting up to no good. Pffft! The gentleman doth protest too much.
If the roles were reversed, would you be having this same crisis over a female stripper showing off her boobs at your bucks’ night? If the answer is no, then we need to talk about double standards.
Because not so long ago, I asked my Instagram followers to spill the tea on what goes down at bucks’ parties, and the stories that were submitted were truly wild.
We’re talking escorts, cheating, hard drugs… If we’re talking ‘boundaries’, you blokes sure have some blurry ones.
Look, everyone has different lines in the sand when it comes to ‘harmless fun’ versus ‘oh, hell no’. If this has rattled you, the real question is… have you and your fiancée actually talked about what’s off-limits before marriage?
Because that’s the real issue here, not one rowdy night with the girls.
Is a woman hopping into a hot tub with a male stripper a red flag? (Stock image posed by models, neither of whom are strippers)
And here’s something to really have you clutching those pearls of yours, I once paid a stripper an extra $50 to flash the bride-to-be, and it was the best money I’d ever spent – purely to watch her squirm and hear a bunch of women squawking at the hilarity of it all.
So, calm your farm. If she saw a willy (almost certainly a soft one FYI), it was just for a giggle.
At the end of the day, you either trust your fiancée or you don’t. If one hens’ party is enough to make you rethink your entire marriage, maybe the problem isn’t the party – it’s how secure you feel in the relationship.
And that’s something to really ponder before you say ‘I do’.
‘At the end of the day, you either trust your fiancée or you don’t,’ columnist Jana Hocking says (stock image posted by models)
Dear Jana,
My missus is a good sort, always has been. She’s always getting looked up and down when we go out, but I’ve never been the jealous type.
But now I’m starting to wonder if I should be.
She’s always been obsessed with this one TV actor on a show she’s watched for years. I used to take the piss, thought it was all a bit of fun. Then the other night she casually mentions he replied to one of her Instagram messages.
And now? They’re chatting. Not just a one-off reply, actual back-and-forth convos.
She reckons it’s nothing, just a bit of banter, but this bloke is famous, loaded and probably used to women throwing themselves at him.
Why would he be chatting to her just to be nice? I trust her, but I also know how these things go.
Am I being a paranoid d***head, or is this the kind of thing I should be worried about?
Anonymous.
Daily Mail columnist Jana Hocking gives advice to a man who is worried about his ‘hot’ wife messaging with her celeb crush on Instagram (stock image, posed by model)
Dear Anonymous,
Okay, this one is a bit tricky, but let me start by saying no, you are not being a d***head, and I totally get why you’re feeling a little uneasy.
But the fact she’s sharing these messages with you? That’s actually a positive sign.
To be fair, who wouldn’t want the ego boost? A famous celebrity once sent me a fire emoji, and I am shameless enough to admit it put a pep in my step for a week, so I get her excitement.
However… why the hell is she messaging him in the first place? That’s where the ick factor creeps in.
Sliding into anyone’s DMs – celebrity or not – feels a little dicey when you’re in a relationship. It’s not just harmless banter; it’s messaging a bloke she fancies, knowing full well there’s a chance he might reply.
I mean, she knows she’s attractive, and she clearly had enough confidence to think he would notice her. That’s where this gets a little murky.
If I was you, I’d be keeping an eye on what she’s posting to her stories and grid. Is she including you in her pics? If this celeb were to stalk her page, would he have any clue she had a boyfriend?
If the answer is no, then yeah, that’s worth a gentle WTF? conversation.
At the end of the day, trust your gut. If this is making you feel off, you’re allowed to say so. Just don’t go full jealous-boyfriend mode – play it cool, ask the right questions, and see how she reacts.
But know this – he’s not responding to her because he needs a new friend. He’s responding because she’s hot.
Dear Jana,
When my ex and I broke up, my best friend was furious on my behalf. She called him every name under the sun, swore she never liked him anyway, and promised she’d key his car if I ever needed.
She was the first to encourage me to go out again and would be the one taking my phone from me when I tearfully considered texting him, ‘Can we try again?’
And she would always tell me I deserved much better.
In short, she was an amazing friend in my time of need.
So imagine my shock when, six months later, my cousin calls me to tell me she just saw my ‘friend’ leaving my ex’s place at 7am wearing what looked like his hoodie.
When I confronted her, she didn’t even deny it. She just stammered through some nonsense about how it ‘just happened’ and they ‘didn’t mean to hurt me’. Then she rolled out the old classic: ‘I wanted to tell you but I didn’t know how.’
I feel completely betrayed. It’s not just that she’s with him, it’s that she lied, and she pretended to be disgusted by him while secretly crushing on him.
I don’t know what stings more, losing my friend, or realising my ex is now possibly her new boyfriend.
Do I cut her off completely? Part of me feels betrayed, but a more rational part of me is saying it’s been six months and I need to just get over it.
Anonymous.
Dear Anonymous,
Ooooft!
Bad friend, bad, bad, horny friend. Let’s put aside all the stuff she said about him during your break-up, because I do genuinely think she was trying to be a supportive friend. But it’s what she’s done since then that we need to talk about.
Because the ol’ ‘whoops, sorry! I fell on his penis’ situation is mighty concerning.
Look, I get it: love (or lust) makes people do dumb things. Lord knows I’ve woken up to a bad decision or two… but let’s be clear: she knew exactly who he was and what he meant to you, and that is a betrayal I would find tricky to forgive.
If she had come to you before getting involved and said, ‘Hey, something’s happening, I don’t know how to handle it,’ maybe, just maybe, there’d be room for a conversation.
But instead, she hid it, snuck around, and only confessed once she was caught. Nope. Just nope.
So, what now? Honestly, I’d put this friendship on ice. Maybe not a full never-speak-to-me-again situation, but at the very least, some serious distance.
Because trust, once shattered, is a nightmare to rebuild. And do you really want a bestie who is comfortable enough to jump into bed with an ex you’re still heartbroken over?
Oh, I would be bitching about that girl to everyone. Naming and shaming ’til I genuinely fatigued myself with the whole thing. But that’s just me, and I can be petty.
So, in this instance, let’s have a think about what Oprah would do. And we all know Oprah would say something wise like, ‘Give it to God and get on with your life.’ So maybe try that – it’s probably healthier.
Accept that it happened, mourn it for 24 hours with a tub of ice cream and a sad rom-com to get those tears out, then stop giving it your energy and start over. With some new, lovely friends.
And as for him? Pffft. He’s her problem now. Let them enjoy their awkward, guilt-ridden, ‘we got together in the worst way possible’ romance.
Meanwhile, you rise above. Go live your best life, look hot, and if she ever comes crawling back for forgiveness, you get to decide if her betrayal is worth forgetting.