Dear Jana,
My fiancé and I met in our early 20s when our entire relationship was pretty much built on partying. We were that couple always closing down the club and doing one more line before sunrise.
It was fun. Chaotic, but fun.
Now we’re in our mid-30s and he has grown up. He’s got a great job, goes to the gym and doesn’t touch anything stronger than the whiskey he enjoys – in moderation – on a Saturday evening.
Meanwhile, I’m still doing my thing – boozy girls’ trips, taking drugs at festivals and partying all night before rolling back home at 4am.
My fiancé never seemed to mind. Then something really bad happened.
After a recent night out, I walked in the door at dawn with only a vague idea of how I got there. I rolled into bed with my man – who’d been home for hours – and we had sex, but he was rougher than usual with me.
The next day, nursing a massive hangover, my memory started to come back.
DailyMail+ columnist Jana Hocking gives frank advice to a woman who fears she may have cheated on her fiancé on a drunken night out, and now wants to change her partying ways
I’d come home from the club in an Uber Pool. I was in the car with a random guy and I think I gave him a blowjob in the backseat.
And when I crawled into bed and got it on with my fiancé… I think he could tell from kissing me what I’d just done.
He hasn’t said a thing – yet – and now I’m spiralling.
I’ve never cheated on him before – not even a nightclub pash – and the fact I may have betrayed him, only to sleep with him minutes after walking through the door, honestly makes me feel sick.
This isn’t fun anymore. I need to stop partying – but I fear I’ve already crossed a line and our relationship will never recover.
What should I do?
Spiralling
Dear Spiralling,
Let’s start with the good news: you’ve had your ‘oh s***’ moment, or as people in drug and alcohol recovery call it, your ‘rock bottom’.
From here, the only way is up.
You can see your own behaviour for what it is – which puts you a step above a lot of the tragic men and women I see stumbling around Bondi well into their 40s and 50s.
You’ve outgrown the party, the highs aren’t high anymore, and you may have done something really, really bad. The important thing is you learn from this.
Cheating in an Uber on the way home to your fiancé isn’t a good look. But count your blessings – considering you were blackout drunk, it could have been much worse.
We all get thrown off the party pedestal eventually – the trick is to land on your feet. So remind yourself that the fear you’re feeling is not your enemy, it’s your friend. It’s not here to shame you – it’s here to wake you up.
I’m not suggesting that kicking the drink and drugs will be easy, but the good news is you have a man living under the same roof who’s already done it. So lean on him.
Does your man know you cheated on him? It’s impossible for me to say – and you don’t even seem to know yourself what happened that night.
You say the sex was different – maybe that’s just your guilty conscience speaking? If he hasn’t said anything yet, he may well have let it go or forgotten about it.
So for now, I wouldn’t tell him you have hazy memories of possibly giving another man a BJ in the back of a taxi. Perhaps it’s best to just assume you didn’t.
What you should tell your fiancé is that you think you have a problem with drinking and drugs, and you want to change your ways – just like he has.
And then, talk to a professional. Book in with your doctor and be honest: ‘I’m scared I’ve lost control of my life.’ I did the same thing last year during a rough patch and I’m so glad I did.
You haven’t ruined anything yet – but you are going off the rails. It’s time to clean up your act and embrace the next chapter of your life. I promise you it’ll be better.
A worried fiancée has vague memories of giving a man a blowjob in an Uber, before arriving home and having sex with her partner (stock image posed by models)
Dear Jana,
I’m newly divorced and just had a wild night with a much younger guy. I’m 43, he’s 26, and I’m not going to lie, it was incredible.
He was so kind and confident and made me feel desired in a way I hadn’t felt in years. Now he wants to keep seeing me, but I’m torn.
Part of me is excited, but there’s this voice in my head telling me it’s not realistic.
I keep thinking about the age gap. What if he wants children down the line and ends up resenting me for not being able to give him that?
I also worry I’ll just be a fun story he tells one day while I’m left with a broken heart.
Is it crazy to think this could go somewhere, or should I stop overthinking and just enjoy it for what it is?
Cougar
Dear Cougar,
Firstly, take a bow. You’ve just gone through a divorce and managed to shag a 26-year-old who made you feel like a goddess. I don’t see a problem here!
Should you keep seeing this young stud? I reckon so.
Yes, there’s an age gap. Yes, you might want different things down the track. And yes, it could all end in tears.
But every relationship has an expiry date. Some last 40 years, some last a summer, and others fade the moment the post-coital glow wears off and you realise, ‘Hang on – is that Lynx Africa?’
You shouldn’t be asking yourself ‘Is this crazy?’ Instead, ask yourself, ‘Is this making me happy right now?’ Because let’s not pretend men sit around agonising over whether we might want kids one day or whether they’re just a story in our lives. They just think to themselves, ‘This is fun. I like her, so let’s see what happens.’
So take a leaf out of the male playbook, I say.
Do you like him? Are you having fun? Is the sex thrilling? If so, carry on. But if you suspect he has mummy issues – yes, it’s a thing – then maybe call it off.
I can’t say whether this man is the next chapter in your life or just a sexy footnote. If it’s the latter, then he has already served his purpose by reminding you that you are still fun and desirable.
So for now, stop apologising for having a good time. Go forth and enjoy being the hot older woman he’ll be talking about for the next six decades.
Dear Jana,
The guy I’m seeing bolts for the shower immediately after sex and it’s mortifying.
I’m talking no cuddles – just straight into scrubbing himself like he’s trying to wash the whole thing off. It’s starting to mess with my head.
There’s another problem, too. Even though we’ve been dating for a few months, he completely shuts down whenever I try to talk about sex.
Yes, we have sex – we just don’t talk about it. I’ve never experienced this before.
I’ve gently brought up things I’m into and tried to steer the conversation toward fantasies, but it’s like the word ‘sex’ brings him out in a rash.
I’m not trying to introduce whips and chains, but I’d like to explore new things.
Is it possible to have good sex with someone who is incapable of talking about it?
Dating a Prude.
Dear Dating a Prude,
Get that man into therapy. Immediately.
Unless you’ve recently committed some sort of unspeakable hygiene crime, the whole ‘shower bolt’ situation isn’t about cleanliness; it’s about shame.
Deep, internalised, repressed, shame… which is sad, and not at all sexy.
Don’t forget: you’ve just shared something intimate and vulnerable, and instead of basking in the afterglow and doing the delightful leg-tangle bit, he’s acting like he needs to be spiritually exfoliated.
This is not normal; it smacks of guilt. He must address that.
Now, onto the other red flag: the fact that sex talk is off the table.
It’s that shame thing again. I’m going to hazard a guess he grew up in a household where sex was looked at as a farmyard act to make babies, and certainly not seen as something pleasurable.
That’s actually sad. So we must take pity on him. Then we must educate him.
Here’s something you could try. When I had a sports-mad boyfriend who was adamant he had no interest in reading books, I just happened to leave the David Beckham autobiography lying around his house.
Within a week, he’d devoured the whole thing. I didn’t have to ask him – I just placed it in front of him and on a boring afternoon, it got the better of him.
So try something similar. Next time you’re on a long car trip, why not put a podcast on that delves into sex. Nothing hardcore – that’ll freak him out – but perhaps an educational TED Talk that looks at the psychology behind it.
Just pique his interest a little, let him hear from an expert and then have a chilled conversation about it afterwards.
You are absolutely entitled to explore fantasies. But you cannot do that with someone who treats sex like a taboo topic.
Start with a little light education, then work your way up to the big stuff.