Alcohol addiction has the power to destroy lives – and not just the drinker’s.
For while around 1 per cent of us are thought to be dependent on alcohol, as many as one in ten are significantly affected by another adult’s reliance on alcohol or other drugs.
Often we’re quicker to spot an issue in a loved one than we are in ourselves. So how should you approach the topic with your partner if you think they’re developing a drinking problem?
Here, I use my 20 years of experience in addiction recovery to help you talk to your partner about their addiction – without destroying your relationship . . .
Think about what you want
When I work with family members affected by a loved one’s addiction, they tend to focus on changing their loved one.
This simply isn’t possible. We can only change ourselves.
The best time to talk is certainly not when your partner is intoxicated, or either of you are feeling frazzled and emotional
It is, however, possible to learn strategies to motivate change. So think about what you want and need from the conversation. What behaviour do you want enacted? What is important to you? What are your boundaries?
Write these down, and use them as a starting point to focus on what you want to address with your partner.
Do your homework
If your partner’s drinking is causing problems, it’s important to educate yourself on alcohol use disorder, and understand the role it plays in a person’s life.
When you broach it with your partner, you are likely to experience resistance or denial. This is totally normal; where there is psychological or physiological dependence, alcohol is the priority over all else.
Being informed on alcohol dependency means that if you experience pushback, gaslighting or manipulation, you can hold firm in your belief that there is an issue.
Keep things casual
Whatever you do, do not stage a group intervention.
This is a private conversation about your concern for your partner and how their behaviour affects your intimate relationship. Being bombarded by family and friends will just cause them to feel ganged up on and go on the defensive.
So when is the best time to talk? Certainly not when your partner is intoxicated, or either of you are feeling frazzled and emotional. Nobody likes being sat down at a table like a job interview, so take a walk, a drive, or go for a coffee. Neutral turf will keep the conversation calm.
Prepare options for support
Spend an hour or so online finding support options that fit your budget. Free options include peer support such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA).
I recommend SMART Recovery because it’s a science-based programme that helps people change their relationship with alcohol using practical tools from cognitive behavioural therapy. Unlike traditional 12-step programmes, it emphasises self-empowerment and practical techniques rather than labels or lifelong commitment.
Local authorities also provide free-to-access support.
Other pathways to recovery include therapy, counselling, rehab, coaching and even residential recovery housing.
Offering specific options for support when you speak to a loved one is ideal because it plants the seed for recovery and change and also shows you are ready to support that change.
However, the likelihood is that they will say they can do it all by themselves. Fine; try it. But don’t be afraid to return to the conversation after a month. Addiction thrives on secrets. Shine a spotlight on it.
Make it about YOU, not them
The communication strategy I teach my clients is ‘I statements’. This retains the focus on your feelings instead of your loved one’s behaviour. As soon as ‘you’ is used as a conversation starter, we tend to shut down. We feel accused, undermined or ‘told off’.
Instead, for example, you could say: ‘I feel concerned when drinking leads to missed plans because it affects our time together and creates distance between us. What I need is to have an open conversation about how we can handle this moving forward.’
You could also try this to open up a conversation about support: ‘I feel really worried when drinking seems to be affecting your mood and our relationship because I care about you and want the best for both of us. What I need is for us to explore some support options together.’
Or, if you have children: ‘I feel really worried when drinking affects your ability to be present for the children because they are starting to notice when things aren’t right. What I need is for us to talk about how we can ensure they have the stability and support they need.’
Get your own help
Families need support in their own right; that’s why I set up my family support service, The Vesta Approach (vestaapproach.co.uk).
Living with a loved one’s problematic alcohol or drug use causes significant stress and impacts every aspect of family life, including finances, job stability and children.
For too long, we have been promoting recovery support for individuals, but statistics show that as many as one in five children are affected by their parent’s drinking.
The earlier these conversations happen, the better chance you have of supporting your loved one in making a change. And getting the right support for yourself prevents addiction taking over your life.