It’s horrible to live through, and all too tragically common. When someone you love cheats on you, your world falls apart and your confidence is shattered.
Recent statistics show that 15 percent of married women and 25 percent of married men have extramarital affairs, leaving emotional devastation in their wake.
But what if I told you there were ways to spot it coming – and so prevent it?
As a licensed marriage and family therapist for 20 years – best known for helping reality star Jax Taylor with his never-ending issues with women on Bravo’s Vanderpump Rules – I see five broad ‘infidelity triggers’ crop up in my practice again and again.
The reasons for each individual betrayal may be complex and unique, but they often share underlying patterns and similar catalysts, which means you can detect them before they’ve even happened.
Indeed, if you can identify the reasons why your partner might have an affair, and adapt your relationship as a result, you might well be able to avoid the pain of cheating completely. Here’s what to watch out for…
Top therapist Elizabeth Winkler (pictured) says she sees five key ‘infidelity triggers’ crop up again and again. Identify them and you may be able to avoid the pain of an affair all together.
1. They crave sexual attention
Cheating often stems from a need to feel ‘seen’ and wanted.
Such validation triggers the release of dopamine, the pleasure hormone commonly associated with addictive substances like opioids or cocaine, which also plays a powerful role in sexual dynamics, giving those who cheat a rush that temporarily fills an emotional void.
As with all drugs, however, that feeling eventually wears off – and something more powerful is needed the next time.
This cycle of cheating – chasing the ‘high’ – is common among individuals with narcissistic tendencies, where the external validation they get from sexual attention soothes an inner emptiness.
The pain that drives this cycle can never truly be salved by fleeting sexual affairs, however, and must be confronted head on instead.
One female client of mine struggled for years with her husband, who often sought to control the narrative in their marriage and dismissed her feelings when she raised concerns about his behavior.
Whenever she asked about his regular time away or questioned inconsistencies in his stories, he responded with defensiveness and accused her of overreacting.
When she finally discovered his infidelity and confronted him, it forced her husband to examine his gaslighting behavior. After acknowledging his need for validation from other women, he began individual therapy, as well as couples work, which allowed him to recognize the void he had been trying to fill.
Treating narcissism can be particularly challenging because those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder often don’t see the way they’re behaving as wrong.
Healing requires them to take responsibility for their actions and explore whether they feel guilt or remorse.
And, remember: if you’re the betrayed partner, then setting boundaries and prioritizing your own emotional self-care is also essential.
2. They carry emotional pain from the past
We all carry some level of undigested emotional pain from childhood, a time when we didn’t have the capacity to fully feel or heal. But if that trauma was big enough – perhaps your partner experienced neglect or grief at a particularly young age – those unresolved scars can affect adult relationships too.
If you know that your partner experienced a notable trauma in their youth, be aware they may turn to cheating as an adult to help shield themselves from future pain.
Think of it as consciously blowing up something good in order to avoid another uncontrolled and painful ending.
One of my clients once confided that he’d been badly neglected by his parents as a child. It left him with an enduring sense of not being ‘enough’.
That pain drove him to cheat on his partner because, he said, having fallen in love, he’d opened himself up to vulnerability and the chance of being badly hurt again. He needed to regain control.
I often say: the wound is the way.
Working through years-old wounds, preferably as a couple, and before they illicit a reckless reaction, is essential. Healing begins with identifying the scars your partner carries.
Therapies, such as American psychologist Peter Levine’s ‘Somatic Experiencing’ – which can help individuals release past trauma stored in the body and process deep-seated emotions – can be particularly helpful.
Sometimes cheating is less about desire than self-preservation. The cheater may genuinely care for their partner, but their fear of intimacy creates walls that keep them disconnected.
3. They’re emotionally distant
You’ve likely heard someone say: ‘He’s emotionally unavailable.’ This phrase frequently comes up when discussing infidelity, since cheaters are often described by their partners – and sometimes by the mistress too – as emotionally distant.
The root of this behavior often lies in what therapists call an avoidant attachment style.
Developed in the late 1950s by UK psychotherapist John Bowlby, ‘attachment theory’ describes four kinds of emotional bond that people tend to form with others depending on the relationship they had as a child with their very first caregiver.
‘Avoidants’ tend to feel overwhelmed by the deep intimacy that comes with being in a committed relationship. While they may crave connection, that intensity of closeness can feel suffocating, triggering their defense mechanisms to create emotional space.
I’ve seen this pattern in couples where one partner withdraws as the other begins to want greater emotional closeness. In one case, a man buried himself in work and hobbies, and eventually turned to an affair, just to feel in control and avoid the intimacy he feared.
Cheating becomes a way for avoidants to distance themselves not only from their partner, but also from their own vulnerability.
They become expert at compartmentalization, putting their marriage in one box and the affair in another, and emotionally detaching from both. They may genuinely care for their partner, but their fear of intimacy creates walls that keep them disconnected.
For them, cheating is less about desire and more about self-preservation in the face of feeling emotionally overwhelmed. Therapy focused on attachment and intimacy can help someone who is emotionally unavailable acknowledge the reasons for their behavior, which are very probably rooted in their childhood.
While it is not your responsibility to fix your partner’s behavior, creating a space for honest communication can improve your relationship – and significantly diminish the chance of your partner cheating.
4. They repeatedly self-sabotage
If your partner doesn’t believe they’re worthy of success or love, they might well react by self-sabotaging. It’s a way of proving themselves right – blowing up their own lives to control the collapse they fear.
A female client once revealed she cheated on her partner shortly after receiving a major promotion at work. On the surface, she appeared to be thriving, but deep down, she felt unworthy of both her professional and personal success.
‘I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop and everything to go wrong,’ she admitted.
The affair became a way for her to manage the ‘inevitable’ disaster – even though it was self-inflicted.
Self-sabotage often stems from unresolved grief or insecurity, causing someone to unconsciously undermine their happiness. Loss, whether it is of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or a home, can reopen the ‘graves’ of past losses, overwhelming an individual with feelings of grief and unworthiness.
Cheating can be an attempt to cope. Rather than facing their insecurities, the cheater acts out, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Healing self-sabotage begins with recognizing patterns of behavior and addressing the underlying insecurities and unprocessed grief of the past. Therapy that focuses on self-worth can help individuals understand and transform these destructive tendencies.
Mindfulness practices and meditations that focus on emotional healing can also prove powerful tools for transformation. My meditation, Healing Your Heart: From Pain to Power (elizabethwinkler.com), is designed to guide individuals through the process of releasing inner pain and reclaiming their sense of strength and inner wisdom.
Cheating can be rooted in sex and love addiction, where a partner feels compelled to seek new connections even if they’re not dissatisfied in their existing relationship.
5. They have a (genuine) sex addiction
Cheating can sometimes be rooted in sex and love addiction, a compulsive behavior that tends to involve multiple partners or serial affairs. Unlike a one-time lapse in judgment, this type of infidelity comes from an uncontrollable cycle where the individual feels compelled to seek new connections or experiences, regardless of the consequences.
For those struggling with this addiction, the behavior is rarely about love, lust or dissatisfaction in their existing relationship, but instead reflects an attempt to temporarily fill an emotional void.
Unfortunately, the relief doesn’t last long and is usually followed by shame and a return to the same destructive cycle.
I knew a woman who described her devastation after discovering her husband’s long-term use of escort services. ‘I couldn’t understand it,’ she said. ‘We had a good marriage, or so I thought. But he admitted it wasn’t about me. He told me he couldn’t stop this pattern he had been trapped in for years.’
Sex and love addiction is a serious condition that requires professional help. Therapy with a specialist in addiction, particularly one trained in trauma-informed care, can help uncover the root causes and begin the healing process.
Support groups like Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (slaafws.org) provide accountability and a sense of community, both of which are essential for recovery.
Staying together as a couple also requires setting firm boundaries and prioritizing the emotional well-being of both partners.
If you’re worried your partner is going to cheat – or they already have – it is just as important to create time for your own healing. This journey can be challenging, but with the right resources and support, trust and connection can be rebuilt over time.
Infidelity is a profound breach of trust, but it can also be a catalyst for transformation. Whether the relationship heals or ends, understanding the underlying causes really can provide a pathway for a stronger relationship.
For more insights, tune into Elizabeth Winkler’s mental health podcast ‘The Shadow and The Light’ with stress-management expert, meditation teacher, and author davidji