If you’re a parent and it feels like nothing you’re doing is working, there may be one root cause — and it all relates to connection.
Connection and trust are key ingredients of all the positive behaviors parents look to build in their children, says a parent coach and writer who recently presented to an audience of the GPS Parent Series, a collection of free, public talks that support parenting and youth development.
Naperville Central High School Principal Jackie Thornton introduced parenting expert Meghan Leahy when she spoke this month. Leahy is a columnist for the Washington Post who wrote the book “Parenting Outside the Lines: Forget the Rules, Tap into Your Wisdom, and Connect with Your Child.”
‘Going to the root of connection’
Leahy said connection needs to be at the core of every parent-child relationship. So when something isn’t working — when kids are lying, whining, fighting, defying, refusing, quitting, swearing, melting down or simply not listening — Leahy said it’s a deep and true connection that parents need to build.
“By going to the root of connection, this is where the change springs from,” Leahy said. “When we’re deeply connected to someone, the cooperation is pretty good. But while we parent, cooperation, connection and easiness can stop. We get trapped in the behaviors we don’t want. We forget what’s important, which is the connection.”
Leahy’s talk used the analogy of a child as a growing tree and zoomed in on six roots of a strong mental connection, the kind that means kinship, relationship, reciprocity, fidelity or witness. Using these roots — senses, sameness, significance, belonging, love, and being deeply known — she said parents can build a connected relationship with their children and reap the benefits.
Learning the roots of connection
Senses: As children go from toddlers to tweens, it can become harder to build sensory connection with those who aren’t what Leahy described as “huggy.” So, use the other senses instead, she said. Fill the home with scents that jog memories of favorites meals or moments of love. Eat favorite foods together, listen to music together or just be near.
Sameness: The impulse kids have to fit in with their peers — with the same clothes, same gadgets and same favorite bands — comes from the root of sameness, Leahy said. “You can still be the same as your child at any age,” she said. Just lean into similar interests, teach kids to do things you love and point out shared characteristics.
Significance: A human need to avoid being idle — to complete tasks, create things and feel important — often kicks in between ages 4 and 6, Leahy said. Making sure kids help in some small way in the home builds their sense of identity and capability. “Giving your child that significance reaps rewards forever,” Leahy said. “Its not a little chore chart — it’s like a different way of understanding family.”
Belonging: Making sure each child knows he or she is “good, helpful, good enough — just for being alive,” is a powerful way to ensure belonging and meet the human need for being part of something, Leahy said.
Love: As a root of connection, Leahy described love as “when you can be away from your child and they can hold you in their heart.” When children can express this love without simply mimicking it, that’s when love as a root of connection is established. As children grow up, the connected love from parents can remain as a safety net and trusted foundation.
Being deeply known: Many parents may not have received this message themselves — that they are loved unconditionally, no matter who they are. So it can be scary and vulnerable to pass this along to children, Leahy said. But it’s critical. “Every human has the right to be fully themselves and loved for that,” she said.
Next steps to deeply rooted relationships
All these roots of connection can be a lot to take in, Leahy acknowledges. So she advised those listening to let the ideas sink in and see which rises to the surface. “Don’t do all the things,” she advised, but “do one thing well.”
Then, look to your strengths as a parent and capitalize on them. Make eye contact. Use humor. Seek support from others. Watch for moments when your children are experiencing connection, and keep doing these things.
“What lights them up? What brings them peace? When do you see their shoulders go down? When do you see their face soften?” she said. “Just start to watch. You don’t have to know.”
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