Former Britain’s Got Talent contestant Calum Scott has opened up about his struggles overcoming self-hatred on the latest episode of the Life of Bryony podcast.
Scott, a singer and songwriter who competed on the talent show in 2015, is famed for getting a golden buzzer from Simon Cowell for his cover of Robyn’s ‘Dancing on My Own’.
The recording of his initial audition for the show has more than 375 million views on YouTube.
His subsequent debut album ‘Only Human’, released in 2018, reached number four on the UK Albums chart.
The singer from Hull spoke publicly for the first time to Mail columnist Bryony Gordon about a ‘wasted’ youth confronting internalised homophobia and body dysmorphia which left him contemplating suicide.
‘I didn’t come to terms with my sexuality until I started writing music’, Scott admitted.
‘I brought out my first single when I was about 24, so it was a long period of self-loathing and an internalised hatred of myself.
‘My dad left when I was two, and that really affected me… my sister’s dad came into the fold, and he was great but when he had my sister that changed.
Calum Scott: ‘I’m proud of myself. I’ve come a long way, and I could have thrown it all away’
‘I could tell I was his stepson and not his real son.
‘While I was going through that, I lost all my mates for being gay.
‘I ended up being in this place where I would go to my bedroom every night and shine a light over myself.
‘Anything I didn’t like, I would write in a notebook and read it over and over again.
‘I didn’t like being gay or the way I looked. It came to a point where I’d gotten that low, gotten that trapped in my own darkness, that I went to a local bridge where I lived and thought about killing myself.’
Scott then spoke specifically about his diagnosis of body dysmorphic disorder and how it had affected his young life.
‘You see things that aren’t actually there’, Scott described.
‘Or they are there but you’re over scrutinising to such a level that in your mind, it’s way worse than it is.
Scott earned a golden buzzer from Simon Cowell for his cover of Robyn’s ‘Dancing on My Own’
‘It was so frustrating for my mum because she would say to me: ‘You’re beautiful, you’re gorgeous – there’s nothing wrong with you.’
The singer said that in combination with starting to write music, therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helped him overcome his sense of self-loathing.
Scott remembered: ‘I eventually got to this point where I thought, you can’t keep doing this.
‘You’re punishing yourself. So, I called my doctors and told them that if I didn’t see somebody professionally, I was going to do something stupid.
‘I went through the NHS and saw a counselor with my mum the next week.
‘She held my hand through the whole thing. It was beautiful. I realised then that talking to somebody like me was essential.
‘We did loads of CBT and different therapy techniques – I used to feel stupid doing it, but it’s such an impressive tool. I saw myself improving week by week.’
The singer is now a prominent mental health campaigner, who says he feels immense pride in all the ‘amazing things’ he’s achieved.
‘I’m proud of myself. I’ve come a long way, and I could have thrown it all away. I now think, look at all these amazing things I’ve done – I’m just so proud of myself that I managed to get on the straight and narrow.’
To listen to the full interview with Calum Scott, search for Life of Bryony wherever you get your podcasts now.
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