When Debra Kilby suffered three miscarriages and then had to medically terminate her daughter Rosa at 16 weeks, the charity worker sunk into a dark depression, blaming herself for what had happened.
But in her grief, Debra, now 54, knew she had to search for ways to understand what had happened and move on, for her own sake, but also that of her family.
Six weeks after Rosa’s funeral in February 2011, Debra, from south London, had a vision which changed everything.
Now a trained counsellor and baby medium, she has gone on to help hundreds of mums from all over the world connect with and ‘see’ their babies like she did with her daughter.
Speaking exclusively to FEMAIL, Debra has shared her incredible story.
Losing my daughter Rosa at 16 weeks of pregnancy has been the greatest gift I’ve ever received.
Of course, at the time this was as far from what I was feeling as you can possibly imagine. Because the full story is that I didn’t lose Rosa because of some dreadful accident, or unexplainable miscarriage. I chose to release her. And it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, or wish to make ever again.
Rosa’s story starts in August 2010 when my husband Lee and I found out we were expecting. This was the fourth time we’d become pregnant since being blessed with our son Max in 2007.
Debra Kilby (pictured), from south London, is a trained counsellor and baby medium who helps mums from all over the world connect with and ‘see’ their babies
Debra pictured with her husband Lee (left) and their sons Max (second from right) and Sam (second from left)
Between 2007 and 2009 we lived through three miscarriages. Surely this one would be ok, we hoped.
Being pregnant with Max was easy, fun and exciting. His birth wasn’t what I had expected and because of the shock and fear I experienced, this also affected how I felt about being a mum.
However, nine months into motherhood and the traumas nicely buried away, we fell pregnant again. This baby news was something of a surprise but welcomed and we felt we could conquer all practicalities and wasn’t it great that they would be so close in age.
But a week before the 12-week scan I started to bleed. The bleeding didn’t stop and eventually I had to be rushed into hospital.
That was my first experience of miscarriage and the overwhelming helplessness and loss of my little one. Like so many mums, I felt this was my failure, I’d done something wrong.
I picked myself up relatively quickly quoting all sorts of statistics at myself about one in four women lose their babies, and generations before pregnancy testing women didn’t even know they were pregnant, so miscarriage was normal and you just got on with life.
I didn’t ask for help and I didn’t allow myself the time or the space to grieve and acknowledge my hurt and disappointment.
Over the next two years I conceived easily but they didn’t stay longer than eight and twelve weeks. By this time my heart had closed, but I wasn’t aware of the effect of all this loss because I didn’t allow myself to feel it.
Debra has created a special shrine (pictured) to remember Rosa, which contains a painting, crystals and a cross, amongst other objects
Even though Rosa’s 12-week scan (pictured) looked normal, Debra had a strong feeling something was wrong
And then along comes Rosa. I was both excited and terrified of how this pregnancy would go.
I did have some bleeding at nine weeks into the pregnancy and rushed to the hospital for a scan – thank goodness all was well, with her little heart beating away. The bleeding stopped.
I then had the strangest experience one night when I was reading in bed and I heard the words come from outside of myself – ‘mummy I’m sick’.
I told my husband and we put it down to the obvious fear I was experiencing because of our last three miscarriages. But somehow, I knew – despite all the scans, including the 12-week scan – that something was very wrong.
I am now aware that I am an intuitive with the ability to tune into the energies of people here and in spirit.
I didn’t know that back then but when I think of her little words coming to me, gently preparing me, I hold onto that connection we so clearly had. It’s something all mums have.
After a number of incidents, my knowing that something was wrong was finally confirmed medically with scans – Rosa wasn’t developing as she should be due to genetic complications.
I was told she was unlikely to make it to full term and if she did, there was no idea what quality of life she would enjoy.
Debra and Lee’s eldest son Max holds their baby Sam – who Debra met even before she had become pregnant with him
Debra, pictured here with her husband and two sons, went on to set up her own practice to help other mums connect with and ‘see’ their babies
The hospital phoned me with the results of the tests, and my heart and my world broke. How could this possibly be happening to me? What had I ever done to deserve this pain?
Again, not only would I have to potentially endure the loss of yet another much wanted baby, and this time at a stage where I would have to experience birth; but then again, maybe I wouldn’t.
But if she survived, how long for? What would her life be like? What would our life be like?
I’d just turned 40 and what if she did survive but needed looking after – would that eventually fall to Max as we got older and entirely dictate the path of his life? How would we cope?
The miscarriages were taken out of my control. This was a whole other level – I had to make a choice, together with my husband, but ultimately it felt like mine. I can safely say from that moment on I don’t believe I was present in this world.
I can barely remember the next few days. When the midwife gave me the pill that would end her life, I wanted to throw up then curl into a ball and die with her.
But life has a way of keeping you going in some form and for me that was our beautiful Max and the love of my husband.
The birth is a blur but I can recall the physical and emotional pain as my husband and I said hello and goodbye to her. We knew then it was a girl.
Debra left her job as a media manager and enrolled on a two-year course at the Holistic Healing College in south London, studying counselling, meditation, EFT and a whole other raft of useful skills
I shut down then. I didn’t want to know. I told myself it was just something that happened and to get on with it. But I wasn’t really there.
The hospital said they arranged funerals for babies and my immediate reaction was no – she wasn’t a baby. It was shocking how much I tried to deny this experience. But we don’t act rationally in these moments.
Eventually, I started to wonder more about Rosa. Why, and why me? Where is she, who is she? And how am I ever going to come through this.
With the most amazing support from the charity ARC – Antenatal Results and Choices – eventually we chose to go ahead with the funeral. It was the most beautiful, poignant moment and the start of my healing.
As I was sitting in the garden afterwards, I allowed myself to see how I was truly feeling for the first time since that very first miscarriage. It wasn’t pretty!
The loss, the sense of being a victim, being a failure, being underserving of any joy, being a terrible, if not evil person.
The deep shame about the choice I’d made was so intense I hadn’t told anyone except close family and a handful of friends. I don’t know what my colleagues thought at the time – all but one had no clue.
Most of all however, was this overwhelming bitterness I felt. I’d see a pregnant woman and really try to feel happy for her and all I came back to was – but what about me? Why them and not me?
When mothers are able to connect with their lost babies, it helps them heal and also move on to conceive and carry a baby full term, according to Debra
This was the feeling I loathed the most as it felt against my very nature. ‘This is not me’, I thought.
And then it struck me – who is this ‘me’ – that doesn’t want to be bitter and angry and sad and closed off. It was then I went on a journey to find that ‘me’.
That part of me that wasn’t all these negative emotions created by the layers of life, but the real ME. The me that was loving and happy and adventurous and believed in miracles and possibilities.
And this is why I am forever grateful for our beautiful Rosa. By giving away love through the choice I made, she gave me back myself. And my whole world has changed beyond my imagination.
I was sitting on the tube on the way to work when Rosa came to me again – she told me ‘Mummy, everything is going to be ok’. I just felt the most incredible sense of calm, like I’d been released.
There were waves of amazingness and love flowing through my body. It was then I knew I had to help other mums going through the same ordeal I had. There is a way forward.
I quit my job as a media manager for the charity I worked for and enrolled on a two-year course at the Holistic Healing College in south London, studying counselling, meditation, EFT and a whole other raft of skills I could use.
It was actually during that course that I met Sam, our baby boy, before I even fell pregnant. I was in a healing session and he just came to me. Rosa had let this happen, she had allowed me to move forwards and find the space in my heart for Sam.
Debra believes that Rosa helped her to move forwards and find space in her heart for her second son, Sam
At first my husband Lee, a mental health support worker, had to check I wasn’t losing my marbles, but he could see how this was helping me.
Feeling I had this gift to connect with babies who’d passed, I connected with loads of women’s and spiritual groups and found it’s totally normal to connect with spirits.
At 42 I gave birth happily and easily to another gorgeous boy, Sam. I thought I may need counselling throughout the pregnancy but I didn’t, I just knew deep down that all was well.
By addressing and clearing my experiences through energy healing practices, and ultimately forgiving myself, I knew he was meant to be. He is my miracle.
The lightbulb moment for me was when I went on a retreat to Ireland in 2016 where I visited a mother and baby home where ‘disgraced’ Catholic mums would be sent to live with their illegitimate babies.
I immediately felt all those babies’ spirits, their energy was still in the ground, burdened with all their trauma. They wanted to be free, so with my mentor we performed a ceremony to help them.
I then knew I had to take the brave step of setting up my own practice to help mums connect and see the babies they’ve lost – invariably, like me, it helps them heal and also move on to conceive and carry a baby full term.
Now, when I meet mums who wish to connect with their babies’ spirits to either understand their loss or to gain awareness before a future pregnancy – or simply connect with their baby in the womb – creating a comfortable, relaxed and private space for them to feel safe is key.
Today Debra has clients from all over the world and runs sessions online, with each one lasting between 90 minutes and two hours
Most of my clients are currently overseas so I work mostly online, with a session typically lasting between 90 minutes and two hours.
We then have a conversation about how they’re feeling about their situation, how much of their story they want to share and any questions they may have – for example, what they’d like to find out. Essentially, why they are feeling drawn to a spirit baby reading?
The mums have to feel safe to share and talking not only creates trust but also helps set the intentions for the call.
We then go into a guided meditation, which we do together. We create a lovely energy, and I guide them out of their busy mind and into their more relaxed and deep state so they feel more connected to themselves.
During the meditation, which is a unique experience for each woman, we invite their baby to join us. I feel it’s important for them to have that experience themselves as it builds trust in their intuition.
They may then receive a message or a sign. Often the baby will offer a flower or a crystal or an image, which represents something to the mum and can act as an anchor for their ongoing connection.
I’m also connected to the baby soul and as it’s my role to receive their messages, I then bring through some of the bigger messages the babies wish to share.
I saw a client in North Carolina a few weeks ago who was preparing to conceive her second child. She’d also worked with me before the arrival of her first child.
During one of Debra’s sessions, it’s not unusual for the mum to receive a sign or message from their baby
The messages from her future baby were fascinating and mostly about the relationship she has with her three-year-old sister, who is already here.
She said they knew each from another time, adding that while she knows she’s the second child she doesn’t want to be treated as or play the traditional role of the second child, as often happens in families.
It wasn’t just about the baby’s sibling, but also both the mum’s and dad’s relationships with their siblings and immediate family. The future baby shared some beautiful, healing insight.
We went on to explore some healing around the mum’s childhood and how she’d felt about her own siblings. She emailed me two days ago and she’s now seven weeks pregnant!
I believe the baby was saying: ‘I don’t need to repeat those historic family patterns, I’m here to change them and am helping you to do so too, so we are all free.’
The baby was sharing with her mum that the more she can heal those patterns and hurts now, the freer she would be to arrive and live the life that she’s coming into the world for.
The baby was acknowledging that it’s time to change how we perceive the roles in a family structure.
The main things babies offer is an alternative perspective. We might look at the situation and think it’s about something we’re doing wrong or something we don’t deserve, but it’s the absolute opposite.
While Debra’s husband, Lee, a mental health support worker, was initially worried when she revealed that she was able to connect with babies who had passed, he has supported her throughout her journey
They’re lifting us out of our hurts and patterns to remember we are much more, so we’re no longer stuck in a loop of unhelpful thinking about ourselves, others or the world.
While every session is different for every woman with their individual life stories and babies, there’s so much overlap too.
It is my utmost passion to help others realise that they do not need to be defined by their experience, no matter how bad they feel about it, or themselves, or how stuck in their emotions they might be.
And, indeed, on the whole I’m discovering there is always a much bigger picture behind baby loss. There are many gentle and beautiful ways to feel whole and at peace with yourself and your life.
In the last eight years I’ve helped hundreds of mums from all over the world – from teachers, to lawyers, to personal trainers. It’s the most rewarding and fulfilling job I could ever imagine and I feel nothing but blessed to have found my calling.