Amid the stresses of modern life, it seems we’re more anxious than ever, with famous faces from Prince Harry to Adele among those who have shared their experiences of the condition.
And increasingly, children and teens are suffering too. The number of children referred to NHS mental health services with anxiety each year are now double what they were pre-pandemic.
So, how do you know if your child is struggling – and how do you help them? Here, Dr Amanda Gummer, a psychologist specialising in child development (goodplayguide.com) shares her tips…
What’s causing the rise in children’s anxiety?
Adults sometimes suggest that childhood anxiety is a bid for attention, or ‘a phase’. Others place the blame entirely with smartphones, citing pressure to constantly be online, comparisons to others and the typical teen ‘fear of missing out’ (Fomo) as major stressors. But while social media plays a significant role in fuelling anxiety among tweens and teens, phones aren’t the sole cause. As was true long before smartphones existed, young people have limited life experience, and in particular a lack of experience when it comes to failing – so the fear of getting things wrong, socially or academically, can be very real. There’s also school pressure, family issues and global problems that are fed to them every day via distressing images online.
How do you know if your child is struggling – and how do you help them? Here, Dr Amanda Gummer, a psychologist specialising in child development shares her tips
Sometimes genetics and nurture can play a part too, if a parent suffers with anxiety. For teens, drinking alcohol, smoking strong weed and even too many energy drinks can cause anxiety to spike.
What are the signs to watch for?
Anxiety can show up both physically and behaviourally, from a mysterious tummy ache in a younger child to sudden bursts of temper in a teen. Watch out for changes in sleep patterns, such as difficulty falling asleep or frequent nightmares. Other signs include withdrawal from social activities, irritability and avoidance of certain situations, such as parties or sleepovers. Younger children may try to come up with excuses, while older ones might simply refuse to discuss their decision. Over time, you might notice a decline in academic performance, or even refusing to go to school at all.
Anxiety can trigger real symptoms, so don’t assume they’re malingering when they mentions headaches, stomach pains or frequent, unspecified claims of not feeling well.
Also, be aware that anxiety can show up differently in boys and girls. Generally speaking, boys might express anxiety through anger, irritability or behavioural difficulties, while girls are more likely to internalise it, leading to withdrawal, sadness, or perfectionism. But these patterns aren’t rigid – any worry or fear that seems disproportionate is a red flag, and needs investigating further.
How should I approach my child?
Approaching an anxious child requires sensitivity and understanding but with younger children, play can be a really powerful tool. Parents I work with are often amazed at how much children can open up during a board game or any fun, whole-family activity where they feel safe.
For primary-aged children, use simple, clear language. Ask open-ended questions, such as ‘how does school make you feel?’ and provide a safe, non-judgmental space for them to express themselves. You can also use stories or games to sketch out imaginary scenarios and ask how they feel, and how they might resolve the problems. Or if they’re a reader, authors such as Jacqueline Wilson deal very well with childhood and tween concerns, which you can then discuss.
Dr Amanda Gummer advises sharing some of your own emotions with your children, to let them know that even big, painful feelings can change
With teens, respect their need for privacy (no snooping in diaries), but let them know you’re available to listen when they feel like talking. Always validate their feelings – ‘yes, what she said does sound upsetting’ – and avoid minimising any concerns they share, even if they seem trivial. Saying ‘nobody cares what your hair looks like!’ isn’t helpful – to them, it’s hugely important. As I mentioned above, teens have limited life experience and thus a much narrower perspective of what ‘really matters’. While listening is crucial, practical steps might include agreeing screen time limits, as well as encouraging regular physical activity to boost ‘happy chemical’ endorphins, and eating well – too much sugar can mean mood crashes.
Share your own emotions with them, too, to let them know that even big, painful feelings can change, for example: ‘I felt so sad when Granny died, but now I feel happy when I remember her.’ But don’t use your child as an emotional crutch. They need to feel safe, and they’re your child, not your confidant.
What if they won’t talk about it?
It’s important not to push. Encourage activities that promote relaxation, such as physical exercise and uplifting hobbies such as nature journalling, drawing, reading or listening to calming music. Try to create a family culture of sharing feelings without judgement, and don’t allow siblings or older relatives to mock or dismiss emotions. Often with teenagers, the pressure to be perfect can be a great source of anxiety, so always let children see you make mistakes and witness how you deal with them and move on.
Is anxiety a condition or a temporary feeling?
There’s a difference between feeling anxious and having anxiety. It’s normal for children to experience anxiety as part of the emotional spectrum, and helping children develop resilience in response to the usual daily stresses can prevent it from escalating. But if it does escalate, and those feelings become overwhelming and impact their daily functioning, it may need professional intervention from a therapist who can help them to understand what’s happening. In some cases, medication can help, but talking therapy will usually come first, except in extreme cases.
Don’t assume an anxious child or teen will be an anxious adult, however. While some may be predisposed to anxiety thanks to genetics and early experiences, early support can really help to reduce anxiety’s long-term impact. Teaching children coping strategies such as calming breathing, distraction techniques and working through problems to find a solution can hugely decrease the likelihood of anxiety persisting into adulthood.